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The Hidden Purpose of
Wedding Ceremonies: Part 1
David and Janet came into
my office both looking upset and disgruntled. They had become engaged a month
ago and were already overwhelmed with the planning process. “Why do we even
need to do this?” David asked irritably, “There’s the venue to rent, the band
to pick, the Church to choose, the food-- it just seems like a huge waste of
money.”
“Yeah and my dad is already complaining about the cost and the time—maybe we
should just elope. Why is a marriage ceremony so important anyway?” sighed
Janet tearfully.
“Well, let me see if I can help here.” I responded.
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Having been a marriage and relationship counselor for the past 27 years, I have learned much from my couples about what strengthens and weakens a
marriage.
The wedding ceremony is the only surviving ritual that is almost universal,
for thousands of years almost every human being in every country has taken
part either as the couple being joined, a family member or a community member.
I
paused a moment as I deliberated what to say. “You know, we have been meeting
now for 8 sessions. What have each of you learned about your relationship and
yourselves?”
They both paused for a moment and then Janet began, “Well, I’ve learned that I
am quick to feel criticized by David even when he isn’t being critical and
that I then blame him for something else to get even.”
“You know honey, you haven’t done that now in weeks, I almost forgot about
it.” David smiled warmly, squeezing her hand. Turning back to face me he said
thoughtfully, “And I learned that I just stop speaking when I’m angry to get
my way and to make Janet feel bad. It’s been a hard pattern to break, but I’m
much better than I used to be.”
“Yeah you are and it’s much easier for me to talk to you now.” verified Janet.
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“So can you both notice that
there were ways that you were being with each other that was harmful and that
you didn’t know you were doing—it was hidden from your understanding?” I
asked. They both nodded. “So,” I began, “the marriage ceremony is the same,
except that it strengthens rather than harms”
Over time I have discovered that there are three hidden purposes in marriage
ceremonies that may be the key to their enduring popularity and necessity.
The first hidden purpose has to do with changing family relationships. A
wedding ceremony not only joins a couple together, it joins two family
lineages and rearranges family alliances as well. We begin with two sets of
parents, in this case David’s and Janet’s, who have birthed, raised and
nurtured their respective son and daughter throughout their lives.
Up until the wedding day, on very deep levels that are only partially conscious,
the allegiance and loyalty of David and Janet has been to Mother and Father
and family first.
The ancients in their wisdom knew that for a marriage to succeed, this had to
change. And that momentous change begins on this special day— the marriage
ceremony becomes the gateway to a reconfiguration of family relationships.
When families consent to give their son and daughter in marriage they are
agreeing to release them to pledge their love and loyalty to each other first
and all others second. This is a powerful alchemy that happens and everyone
has a part to play in it.
So let us take a moment and imagine David and Janet’s wedding. You have the
family of David’s, the groom on one side of the church and the family of
Janet’s, the bride on the other.
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David and his attendants are at the
front of the church with the officiate. The bridesmaids enter followed by
Janet and her father. Then her father steps back and the bride and groom are
now in the center.
The ceremony
continues with offerings, vows, ring exchanges, and a formal pronouncement of
joining. This very old and elaborate ritual helps families and friends
formalize the change that is happening. It gives time for hearts to bid
farewell to the individual son and daughter, sister and brother and prepare to
welcome back a newly joined man and woman who are worthy of both families’
recognition, respect and acceptance.
For the larger
community, their job is to witness and hold sacred this new union from the
wedding day forward. How David and Janet are viewed by their community is now
forever changed.
“Wow, I never
thought of it that way—but I think you’re right, my mom really needs to see me
as a man taking this step and this woman to help her let go of me as her
special boy.” said David thoughtfully.
“Yeah, actually both my parents and my older brother need this to begin to get
that I’ve grown up. And you know I need it to get that I’ve grown up and to
let go of them too.”
Janet was thoughtful for a moment. “If this works, I
won’t feel so guilty about wanting to spend our vacation time doing something
alone instead of going to my family’s cabin every year.”
“Yes.” I responded.
“You will both need to practice thinking as a wife and husband first and a
daughter and son second. This is a huge change for everyone and will take
time, but a wedding ceremony can help.”
“You mentioned that this was one
hidden purpose—are there others? asked David. “Yes, there are two more.” I
replied. “We’ll take them up next session.”
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The Hidden Purpose of
Wedding Ceremonies: Part 2
David began talking as soon as he sat down, “You know, these last two months have been much easier for me with the wedding planning. I keep thinking about this change I’m about to make and it effects everything."
"Like, my mom had picked out some flower arrangements that Janet didn’t like so I had a talk with my mom about how I love her but that Janet comes first now and that I am trying to practice that. You know what she said? She said, “I’m proud of you!” Of course she wouldn’t budge on the type of champagne she wants to buy!”
“Well, it’s a big change for everyone and it takes time and negotiation but making it as conscious as possible helps.” I replied.
“Yeah,” continued Janet. “I asked my dad if he wanted us to pay for part of the wedding and it was amazing what happened. We actually sat down and made out a budget together about what he wanted to cover.
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We then agreed that if anything went over that amount David and I would pay the extra. I really realized that I was treating my wedding like it was Christmas and not taking into account my dad’s concerns.
And you know, we both see each other differently now. I want to know the other hidden purposes—you did say we would focus on that today.”
“Right, I did. Now we move from the family to the two of you—the reason for the wedding!” I responded.
The heart of the marriage ceremony is the couple being joined. The second hidden purpose of marriage ceremonies is in the exchanging of vows and rings. We make many promises to each other but only a few move from promises to vows.
From the traditional taking each other for “richer and poorer, and in sickness and health” to the personalized “I will support your growth”, vows are what you are accountable to. When you pledge your vows to each other in front of family and friends, you are in fact laying the foundation of what will carry you through the dailyness of marriage.
There is much pleasure in loving and being loved and in setting up life together. The joy of a shared life is what draws people over and over again to the altar. However, it’s been my experience that over time, it’s in the dailyness of marriage where many couples get into trouble.
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There is a lifetime ahead of negotiations and decisions and discovering that your partner really does think and respond differently than you do. On many occasions, I have heard from my clients that “I’m still in this marriage because I made a vow.” Vows are what we hold onto when things get rough.
“You know,” David said thoughtfully, “when we first came I wasn’t sure we’d make it. We seemed so different and she wouldn’t do things my way. (much laughter) There were days where I just wanted to walk. That might come up again in the future, so I want to make my vows strong enough to keep me from taking the easy way out.”
“Well, here’s an example of how we think differently, I knew it was rough, but it never occurred to me that we wouldn’t be together.” said Janet bemusedly. “But I agree, I want some of the traditional vows—they’ve worked for millions of couples, but I want some that are just mine as well.”
“Take your time with your vows, you want to be able to stand on them and stand for them.” I responded. “You want to also approach both making and speaking your vows in a special way.”
Janet and David looked at me curiously…
When a couple begins creating or preparing to speak their vows, I ask them to bring to each other a compassionate heart.
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The compassionate heart says: “ I’ll hear you when you can no longer hear yourself. I’ll see you when you are blinded. I’ll celebrate not only the triumphs but the dailyness of life with you. I bring you my compassionate heart that has the strength to surrender my pride and the courage to accept deeply your love.”
Imagine once again David and Janet’s wedding ceremony. As they stand facing each other they bring both deep thoughtfulness, and a compassionate, loving heart to the vows they speak and receive. The power of these vows are then witnessed and felt by all.
The vows are sealed in two ways. One, by the traditional exchange of rings symbolizing love unending, and two, by a kiss, one interpretation being that from this day forward they belong only to each other.
“Wow,” whispered Janet softly, “gives me goosebumps.”
“Yeah, makes me nervous. I think I’d like to wait on the last purpose till next time, okay?” asked David.
“Sure, you both have a lot to think about.” I responded. “Begin thinking about your vows but don’t be too surprised if the first ones you write are not the ones you go with.”
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The Hidden Purpose of
Wedding Ceremonies: Part 3
Janet and David came in and sat down smiling. “Well, it’s been awhile since
we’ve come here” began Janet, “But things have been really moving along. We’re four weeks from the wedding and most of the major planning has been done. I could finally get to my vows over the weekend. I just couldn’t focus before but now I’m really into them.”
“Yeah,” continued David, “It was a little easier for me, I had more time to focus and mine got done a bit earlier—although not much. We’ve been meeting with our Pastor and most of the ceremony has been planned. I feel we’ve made a lot of progress with our families and our commitments to each other—what’s left?”
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“The last hidden purpose of weddings is to invite the Divine into your union. That may seem obvious as you are meeting with your pastor and having your wedding in a church but it’s more than that.” I responded.
What’s required here is that marriage be seen as part of the spiritual path. Marriage is two hands holding together and inviting in—the Mystery. There are many names and forms for the Divine and in a joining ceremony the couple is formally inviting this support and guidance into their union in their own unique way.
“I like that.” Janet stated shyly. “I’ve been wanting something that has more personal spiritual meaning in it, if you know what I mean.”
“Actually, I don’t. What would that be for you?” asked David.
“I would like some part of the ceremony to include what we think of when we talk about marriage as a spiritual path.” Janet responded. “I mean for me, something felt different when I met you. I felt, I don’t know, this sounds dumb, but like we would be more together than apart, somehow this was meant.”
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““Well, to be honest, I didn’t feel that for awhile. I do now—I more grew in to it. I don’t know, maybe it’s a guy thing. But anyway, yeah, I would like something more personal to us too.” David agreed as he reached for her hand.
“What you might start with is how each of you would like to include the Divine in your life together and how you would like that honored in your wedding ceremony.” I suggested.
“It’s like our vows to each other.” mused Janet, “I need to think and talk to you about what I want and really hear what you want—it’s up to us how this will be.”
“Yes.” I agreed, “You need to take your time and really think about it and then share your ideas with your Pastor.”
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“I can see we have more thinking and writing to do, but you know it feels good. Like we will really have something strong that will support us in our life together.” replied David.
As they stood up to leave I noted how much more confident they looked now then when they first came in. Knowing some of the hidden purposes in the Wedding Ceremony and working consciously with these had made the whole planning process a much deeper experience.
“Well, you two - I wish you both a long, happy and fulfilled union.” I said, gazing warmly at them as they walked hand in hand out the door.
Copyright: Kathy Ball 2005.
Kathy Ball is a Certified Marriage and Family Therapist and has been counseling couples for over 27 years. She is the owner of a wedding accessory website called Wedding Bell Accessories
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